Bioinformatics Humor

 

Press Release: NCBI releases DbDate wallflower alignment system

NCBI has just announced the release of the DbDate database. This database, with it's corresponding software, forms the core of the Wallflower Alignment System for Sensitive Unique Phylogeny (WASSUP), is designed to match researchers with compatible partners at scientific conference parties.

"The average scientist is simply not trained to be social, except with model organisms", said Cooper Peterson, "WASSUP provides a means for them to get wild and crazy with members of their own species".

A quick read through the 1789 pages of documentation reveals the methodology of the system. Members of the conference are registered in DbDate when they sign up for the conference. A preliminary MSA (Multiple Shyness Alignment) is performed and the results are stored. Matches with different religious opinions, (such as Open Source issues and Operating Systems of choice), are immediately discarded. Attendees access DbDate during a party for the final alignment using wireless devices, and scoring corrections are made for the amount of beer consumed and the lateness of the evening.

Cooper Peterson acknowledged some bugs in the system. "An early version matched one wallflower with another that had just rejected his grant application," he said with a grimace, "it was a disaster. In another instance, one guy was matched with someone that had challenged his Drosophila annotation. That one actually worked out pretty well."

Sun, SGI, IBM, Apple, and Sony Playstation 2 all immediately claimed that they had the fastest implentation of WASSUP.

 

 Press Release: Craig Venter nearly left out of Magazine!

The Global Genomics community had a terrifying moment last week when it appeared that J. Craig Venter had been left out of Genome Technology magazine for the second month in a row.

“It was horrible”, reported a self-proclaimed ‘Venter junkie’, “No pictures, no news, we wondered what had become of the coverage? For those of us that live by the motto, ‘What Would J. Craig Do?’ it is frightening to not know what he is doing. Like didn’t he sneeze or anything?”

Some non-followers were equally frightened. “We believe that  Venter’s ego has been floating around since a certain gold ring was cast into a volcano called ‘Mt. Doom’ at the end of the last age. If anything happens to him, it could get loose again, and who knows where it could end up?” commented Robert Thinpickle, who is known as the only researcher working on the ‘Mytholome’.

Faithful followers began to gather outside the genomeweb offices, apparently to wait until the November issue came out. Relief was given to the beleagured science nerds when someone looked at the ‘Blunt End’ page of the October issue. While it held no news or photographs, it did have a reference to a ‘Venter Hallway’. The crowd dispersed, vowing to find this hallway, and panic was averted.

 

 

You know you're a redneck Bioinformaticist when...

 

 You think a BLAST job involves cherry bombs and a mailbox.

 You think a 'Maximum Parsimony Tree' is where you go to pick the most parsimons.

 You think a drug discovery pipeline involves the revenoors and the still out back.

 You're afraid the Nucleotides might have an undertow.

 You think that gap extension penalties might involve the growing space in Pa's teeth.

 You find yourself explaining the difference between Beowulf Clusters and SMP servers by comparing them to a case of beer and a keg.

 You think that an algorithm involves a former vice president trying to dance.

 You get confused about the difference between a database and a washtub bass.

 You use a divining rod to make structure predictions.

 You are working on a project to make tobacco grow leaves in little packets that fit right between your cheek and gum.

 You think Gene Prediction involves guessing how much longer your britches will last.

 You think that 'Wash U' is something that a kid would write in the dirt on your back window.

 You are afraid of Unix, just 'cuz of the name.

 You think that multiple alignments are the way you get 10 kids and a hound dog to fit in the same bed.

 You think that PSI-Blast came from the comic books.

 You think that a 'superfamily' is on saturday mornings at 9 AM.

 You think that a Rasmol is eating the 'taters in your garden.

 You stoke the fire with a paralogs.

 You think the Venter is broken on your carburetor.

Your ‘Center For Bioinformatics’ is a doublewide.

 You think that Homology should be illegal.

 

You know you're a redneck genomicist when...

 

 The 'model organisms' that you have sequenced were all found on your bug zapper, or were road kill on the highway.

 You think that "megabace" refers to the subwoofers in the back of your Chevy.

 You have a 3700 up on blocks in your front yard.

 

Your arraying robot contains parts from a Chevy Pickup.

You invite the boys over for a beer while you watch the capillary races.

 

Your shotgun sequencing involves real shotguns.

You think PCR stands for "Pretty Crazy Relatives".

 

Your assembly program is called 'DuctTape'.

You think that anyone that would sequence the poodle genome must be a sissy. Hound dogs, however, make perfect sense to you.

 

The directions to your sequencing center involve turning off on a dirt road.

 

You refer to members of competing research organizations as 'Polecats'.

You buy all your lab supplies at Wal-Mart.

 

Your truck tires cost more, and weigh more, than any other equipment in the facility.

You keep copies of 'Science' and 'Nature' in the outhouse.

 

Your equipment does not break, but it does get 'plumb tuckered out'.

Your servers have names like Kudzu, Elvis, and Bubba.

 

Your sequencer has a gun rack.

Your lab bench used to be a telephone cable spool.

 

Your paper on phylogeny uses the terms 'pert near' and 'fur piece'.

The major source of funding for your research is the local pawn shop.

 

You are afraid that people might find out that your PhD is from a trucking institute.

You keep a spit cup on the lab bench.

 

Lab cleanup involves a weedwhacker, a leaf blower and a trip to the creek.

You are the only one studying the 'possum genome.

 

You keep all laboratory protocols carefully documented on the bathroom walls.

You save money on beakers by using beer cans instead.

 

Your pickup cost more than your education.

The lab has a fire and more than three dogs are killed.

 

The new building is about to open, but you still have to take the tires off.

You think that 'Wash U' is what people write in the dirt on your car.

The Pirates of Proteomics

A Modern Comic Opera

(with apologies to Gilbert & Sullivan)